Tom Paris passed through the double doors of holodeck 2 and made his way to Sandrine’s. He was expecting music, laughter and a cheery hello but upon entering the establishment he found it deserted. The only signs of life were a flickering fire in the hearth and a broken pool cue on the floor.
Paris picked up the cue and placed it on the pool table, another cue lay across the felt and a set of balls were lined up for a break. “odd?” Tom said aloud to himself then turned to leave.
It was more of a sob than a cry that caught Paris ears and halted his progress. Standing still and holding his breath he waited for the sound again, just in case he had been mistaken. Unfortunately he was not, someone was crying.
Stepping backwards and turning in a slow circle he surveyed the room. At the far back a booth shielded by screens lay in semi darkness.
Silently Paris made his way over and peered inside. A women sat on the bench her knees tucked tight under her chin and her face buried in the folds of her arms. Even in the dark Paris knew who she was and he couldn’t hide his astonishment as he called out.
“Captain?”
Captain Kathryn Janeway didn’t hear him.
“Captain?” Tom repeated inching closer, thoughts of calling for help crossed his mind but not exactly from whom. As his captain still didn’t appear to have heard him Paris changed his tactics.
“Kathryn?” He called softly, then gently touched her shoulder.
Kathryn’s reaction to his touch was so profound Paris literally jumped backwards. Startled by the presence of someone beside her, She came out of her huddle and screamed. An instant later recognising Paris she leaped from her perch and threw her arms around his neck. In return Tom encircled his own arms around Kathryn’s waist and held her to him as her body shuddered with each sob against his shoulder.
“Shhh.” Paris said instinctively stroking the tear damp hair back into place. It had been a year since she’d reluctantly cut it short, a style he much preferred, but the length was beginning to grow back. “Hey what’s all this about?”
He hadn’t expected her to answer so when no words spilled from her trembling lips he wasn’t perturbed.
“Kay.” He pleaded softly, using the name only he had knowledge of. “Kay please?” He repeated moving his hand beneath her chin and tilting it upwards. Tears unchecked by the cloth of his uniform made fresh tracks down her cheeks as Kathryn’s eyes met his.
“I can still feel them.” Kathryn said between gulps of air. “Smell them and taste them in the bile that rises from my stomach at the memories.”
“It’s been three months why didn’t you come to me?” He knew all too well who ‘them’ were, he’d had his own nightmares but probably nothing on a par with hers. He’d been tortured, questioned yes but not raped, not molested and terrorised.
“I thought I was ok.” Kathryn’s voice squeaked as she tried to maintain some control. “I thought I was handling it……….I….” Kathryn turned her head out of Toms grasp and closed her eyes tight against the flood.
Tom made no effort to turn her back to face him, preferring instead to move his hand to caress the nape of her neck.
“What happened here today?” He asked remembering the broken cue.
Kathryn wiped her tears away with a shirt sleeve before attempting to speak again, but the effort was in vain as new tears immediately formed to take their place. “I found the program running on its own. I was angry about the waste of energy especially after my lecture yesterday.”
Tom remembered the lecture, it had lasted for a whole hour and came with a list of do’s and don’ts. Not turning off holo programs had been a definite don’t.
“What about the broken cue?” Tom asked changing the subject least he should get a personnel review of said lecture.
“That was me.” Kathryn sheepishly looked Tom in the eye as she confessed. “I stabbed your gigolo character when he came on to me.”
This brought a smile to Kathryn lips and Tom responded but it soon faded and Kay cast her eyes back down. “I don’t remember much after that, not until you came.”
“You probably fell asleep.” Tom suggested, knowing that their was perhaps more too it than that yet reluctant to investigate deeper.
“I guess, I’ve not been sleeping so well.” Kathryn’s body stiffened and she shuddered again at the recollection of her most recent nightmare. The shudder was followed by a whimper and a vigorous shaking of her head as she tried to block the images.
“Kay don’t, its ok. I’m here now.” Tom pulled Kathryn firmly against his frame, hoping his words would be enough but knowing they wouldn’t.
“Computer, emergency transport holo………..”
“No!” Kathryn screamed. “I’m not going to sickbay.”
“Shhh! I know, trust me.” Brushing the ever errant hair back from her face Tom leaned down and just as tenderly brushed his lips to her forehead. “Computer emergency transport holodeck 2, to the captains quarters, security override Paris 911.”
As the transporter effect took hold of her, Kathryn felt her feet leave the floor and her lips meet Toms. By the time she rematerialised in her darkened quarters she had succumbed to his embrace.
She tasted the same, smelt the same and his body responded the same but this time he wasn’t holding back, he let the full passion of his heart run rampant over her mouth. Then not giving her time to resist, Paris lifted Kathryn up and carried her into the bedroom area.
That night they made love twice, the first time slowly allowing Tom to explore and heal the wounds left on Kathryn’s soul. The second time heated and lustful, giving them the opportunity to express their love. Tom declared his with words and lips as he rammed his hot seed deep into Kathryn over and over again.
Paris left before the first watch, but the cold space that remained disturbed Kathryn. Rolling over and sitting up in the still dark room she gathered the sheet around her naked breasts and stared thoughtfully out at the stars. If it wasn’t for the sensations still rippling through her body she could have pretended that it hadn’t happened, that it had all been a dream but they were there to remind her. So was his seed, warm and safe within her womb.
“I was beginning to think I’d dreamt you.”
Kathryn spoke to the figure who had just entered her ready room without looking up to see who it was. She didn’t need to, she recognised his footfalls, his aftershave and the way he breathed deeper in her presence.
“Perhaps it would have been better if you had.” Tom said softly.
“Do you regret what we did?”
“No, not if it has helped you?”
“Some.” Kathryn stood, walked over to the view port to face the stars moving beyond. “I’ve stopped shaking and I can look Tuvox in the eye again.”
“But not me it would seem.” Tom moved swiftly to join Kathryn, catching her arm and turning her around before gripping her chin and lifting her face upwards. “Do you have any regrets?”
“No, only fears.”
“Fears?”
“I’m afraid that I will find my bed a cold lonely place without you.”
Tom smiled but there were tears in his eyes as he drew Kathryn closer to him. “Say the word and it doesn’t have to be.” Lowering his lips to Kathryn’s he sensually tasted them before devouring hungrily.
“I want to.” Kathryn’s chest heaved as she recovered from the effects of his kiss. “So much I do but I can’t.”
“Because you’re my Captain?”
“Yes!”
“Damn you Kathryn does Starfleet mean that much to you?”
“No! but getting this ship and her crew home does and I can not let anything come between me and that goal.”
“So our love means nothing to you?” Tom forcefully pushed Kathryn away, holding her at arms reach.
“On the contrary Tom it means everything. It’s the one thing that’s going to keep me going when the way ahead gets dark.”
“What of now?”
“Now I have the duty of a captain to perform and you must return to your place as my lieutenant.”
“Not your lover?”
“Tom this is not fair.”
“I guess I expected too much.”
“From me yes.”
“I’m sorry Tom.”
“So am I, so am I.” Tom walked away blinking back tears and swallowing hard to prevent his heart leaping out and killing him.
He kept walking until he reached the turbo lift, then ordering it to Voyagers bowls he broke down and cried.
Kathryn hugged herself, it had been the right decision, she was sure, for her and Voyager. Yet she was in pain, pain that threatened to rip her soul apart, pain that pushed tears from her eyes and a cry of anguish from her lungs. “TOM I’M SORRY.”
